. . . a glimpse into my heart.

Pain and hurts caused by others is a part of life. I feel like I am faced with this on a fairly regular basis (maybe more so then some since I love Jesus AND am in ministry: 2 things that bring on more hardships). I wish I could say I am quick to forgive but I am not. I struggle with forgiving others. Just when I think I have forgiven them, they strike again and every old hurt and bad memory surfaces. Today I went to His WORD for some wisdom on my current heart condition. He led me to Psalm 24. You can read the entire Psalm here but for now I will share with you the phrases that jumped off the page as I read it slowly 3 times while praying for God to give me eyes to see what he had for me. vs 1- "The earth is the Lord's. . .and all who live in it." vs 5- "He will receive blessing and vindication from the Lord." I looked up Vindicate and found this definition: to free from allegation or blame So . . .every person is the Lord's, whether or not they are Hi...

When we were at the international workers field forum in Thailand there was a man named Sunder from Canada there as the week's speaker. We missed out on all his messages since we were with the high school students but on the last night we got to sit in on the formal dinner where Sunder shared a closing message. He talked about what it means to bless people. He said he started closing his sermons at church with a blessing to the congregation instead of "You are dismissed." He said it changed Sunday mornings in his church. People were affected in amazing ways by his Spirit, Scripture-filled blessings. He commissioned all those listening to start blessing others, our kids, our congregations etc. So, when we got home to our kids I decided to start blessing my kids before bed. It confused them at first because it sounds like a prayer but I'm talking TO them and not ABOUT them as I do when I pray over them. Well, tonight, since I'm not feeling well, I rushed through the...

Here are a couple fun pictures before I get into the more serious stuff: We got to enjoy a "not so safe" tuktuk ride. It was a lot of fun! Today we got to go see the Grand Palace and the Emerald Buddha. It was an eye opener and quite amazing! You had to wear long pants or skirts and couldn't show your shoulders (I had to put on my sweatshirt in the humid heat). The buildings and art were beautiful and very extravagant. It was unlike anything I had ever seen and almost felt unreal. We saw people doing little ceremonial offerings and their own form of worship to Buddha. We went into see the Emerald Buddha where you're not allowed to take photos and you're required to take off your shoes. People were bowing before it. I felt strange being in there and watching these people worshiping this false and dead god. The emptiness was so sad and heart breaking. I'm not sure how to explain it but I felt sick and it was difficult to breath. I didn't like being in there ...

I was in the left turn lane to leave the grocery store parking lot. On the right, standing on the curb, was a man holding a sign which simply read "Hungry $1.00". The thought crossed my mind that I could give him a few bucks but I from where I was he would have to cross one lane to get to my window. So, I didn't. As I pulled out into traffic Gabriel says, "Mom, I saw a guy without a house and without food." I responded with something like, "Yeah, that's sad huh?" He then says, "We should give him money." I explain that it would be difficult to turn around from where I was in traffic. He drops the topic but only for a few moments before he says, "We should give that guy lunch." I again tell him that we're almost home and it would be out of our way to get him food and go all the way back. After a short pause and he says, "I'm really sad we can't give that guy lunch!" WOW! I cried. His heart is so soft and swe...

I write this blog today with a very heavy heart. It could be offensive to some and encouraging to others. I don't apologize for it because what I share today are words from the mouth of Jesus. These verses are heavy and hard to hear. I felt a strong need to blog on this because God won't let me push it aside and forget it. He keeps it in the forefront of my mind and heart. I have shed A LOT of tears over this and prayed and prayed! Recently a group of mom's in Grand Junction, CO, my home town, came together to fight against some of the homeless population in the city. They say they have compassionate hearts for the homeless who have good excuses for their situation but want to drive out those who drink, fight, and ultimately those they think don't want to get help out of their situation. They say it's for the safety of their children in this one particular park which is the favorite of these moms. But in the midst of this, a lot of the press and media coverage is ...

http://youtu.be/XWqk1o6bDxA Watch the video first and then read the definition below to get a better understanding of what a bounded set is vs. a center set. A bounded set would describe a group with clear "in" and "out" definitions of membership. The Christian church has largely organized itself as a bounded set, those who share the same beliefs and values are in the set and those who disagree are outside. The centered set does not limit membership to pre-conceived boundaries. Instead a centered set is conditioned on a centered point. Membership is contingent on those who are moving toward that point. Elements moving toward a particular point are part of the set, but elements moving away from that point are not. As a centered-set Christian membership would be dependent on moving toward the central point of Jesus. A Christian is then defined by their focus and movement toward Christ rather than a limited set of shared beliefs and values Wikipedia definiation Christi...

Today I laid my hot straight iron on the bed waiting for it to cool before I put it into my bag. Liam walked in and started to touch the cord. I warned, "Don't touch! It's very hot." He walked away. Gabriel came in, reached out and touched the handle. I warned, "Don't touch! It's very hot." Only a couple seconds later after glancing at my face, he looked at the iron and with one finger touched the hot area. He immediately pulled his hand back, looked at his finger and started to fuss. It blistered almost right away. After it was said and done, Dave and I realized how often we do this to God. The Bible is so clear about sin: lying, pride, drunkenness, sex outside of marriage, gossip, etc etc. He gives us these guidelines to protect us from the guilt and the consequences. Yet, we still do what we want to do regardless of our knowledge of the Word. James 1:22-25 Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who lis...

Today I found myself standing in Awe of my Savior! He's been so faithful through a rough past year. I am thankful for a fairly solid relationship with Him that through it all I might ask questions but I have never felt angry with God, fallen away or blamed Him for anything. I know through everything we *can* learn something if we want to. The key is that I have to *want* to learn. If I ask God to teach me something through a difficult situation He *will* do it! I never doubt that. I continue to grow into the woman He wants me to be as long as I am seeking growth and asking to be taught. I feel His love in such a huge way right now. He continues to confirm His faithfulness and love for me and my family over and over again. God's opening my eyes more these to days to better understand who I am *to* Him and *in* His plan. I have a calling and a place in God's design and He's been so faithful to show this to me over the past few months. I feel so confident and loved in my o...

Christmas is over. It was fun anticipating it's arrival, the boys had a blast. . . and it's done. I feel like I am slipping into a post holiday sadness and I don't know how to fight it. I've been doing the Beth Moore Study Jesus the One and Only and it's really been a huge blessing and encouragement to me with the current struggles I am dealing with. I like to think of myself as a VIP, which is what Beth Moore refers to as Victor in Progress. I am fighting Satan for a lot of things that he's trying to strip from me. I honestly think I am dealing with some oppression. He attacked me two years ago, trying to kill my self worth, my self esteem and empty me of all I had to offer through the gifts God's given me. He has come back for more but is coming from a different angle and it's tougher this time. I am thankful for God's faithfulness and that He's always with me otherwise, I'd be through. I came to a new reality that Satan is stronger and mo...

Yesterday was our annual Missions Conference at church. It always stirs something inside of me. God knocks me off my feet every time the Wards visit from Thailand and every Missions Conference. It never fails. In 2000 I went to Costa Rica and in 2002 went to Mexico. In 2010 I went to Ethiopia to meet my new son. In all these places God touched my heart in a real and powerful way. Since Costa Rica 10 years ago I have had a passion for missions and still feel a tug. Someday, I believe God might ask Dave and I to partake in missions in a much larger way then we do now (financially supporting missions) but for now this is it. However, God put something in my heart yesterday and I couldn't ignore it. I came home from church and told Dave that I felt God calling me to go on a short term mission trip. I don't know where or when but I must go. Dave's fully supportive and wants to make it happen. I'm looking at next summer and I am thinking about Chile. I really would love to g...

Liam brought me a book off his bookshelf tonight to read to him. The book looked familiar but I realized I had ever read it. Where did it come from? Oh well, I read it to the boys. Wonderful book!! Here are a few quotes: Little Cub asked, "Who invented Christmas? Was it Santa?" "No." Mama Bear said. "God invented Christmas. God gave us Christmas." "Is God more important than Santa?" "Oh yes, much more important!" "Can we go find Santa, Mama?" "Hmm, Santa is hard to find." Mama said. "But we can go find God. God is everywhere." (Mama Bear proceeds to show the cub the Northern Lights, glaciers and stars.) "He sent his only son as a baby so that we would know light from dark. Jesus is the Light of the world. Jesus is how God gave us Christmas." "He is mightier than any king on earth. And because he is all-powerful, he made Jesus King of all Kings." "Santa Claus reminds us about many go...

A couple of posts ago I talked about God trying to tell me something and how things don't always go as planned. God's message has come through loud and clear now. REST! He had me step out of leadership in a church ministry and told me to focus on ministering to the women who will come instead of planning. It was a tough move and took a week and a half for me to figure out what God wanted but I feel good about it. As I read my Bible and pray I continually get the message "REST". I've been in church ministry for almost 8 years. I have seen now that it's time to rest in him and focus my attention more on relationships that God brings to me and my husband and sons. I am excited for a new phase in my life and can't wait to see what God asks of me next. Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls...

We returned from Dave's 4 week sabbatical less then a week ago. It all feels so distant now and like we've been home for months. Judah starts kindergarten in 4 days. Am I ready? No. I need to do his school shopping but besides that it's hard for me to swallow the fact that I have a child old enough for kindergarten. Liam will be starting preschool a couple weeks after Judah starts. I will have 3 days with only two kids at home and two days with just Gabriel for a couple hours. It will be a good thing for me in a lot of ways. I think I will appreciate my boys a lot more and enjoy my time with them. It will also help me bond more with Gabriel and get more done in a day (cleaning, laundry, exercise, scrapbooking, etc.) So, over all I know that having two boys in school will be good for all of us. It's just a big adjustment for me to send the two off to school in someone else's hands. Our time away was good although we had bumps in the road throughout. We got a lot of q...

Our church is doing the Bible in 90 days. I knew I couldn't do it with all the other things God is teaching me and asking me to work on. I would be reading it for the wrong reasons and feel like a failure in the end. However, we have the Bible Experience on MP3 so I have been listening to it on my ipod. I started a couple days late but I am still only a day or so behind. It been AMAZING!! I am in Leviticus right now and although it seems repetitious and boring it is so interesting to see how different our lives are now since we're not under the law any more. Christ's sacrifice changed EVERYTHING! Praise the Lord! I have really enjoyed listening to it every day. I admit that my brain wonders at times but I also know it would do that if I was actually reading it. I can listen to it while folding laundry or making dinner which I couldn't if I was trying to read it. So, although some might think it's cheating to listen rather than read, it's the only way a mother of...

As my personal devotional time, I have been going through a Bible study called A Woman's High Calling , by Elizabeth George. God's really convicting me of a lot of things which is good but leaves me being VERY accountable to change these things. The following is from the chapter on Self Discipline. Self Discipline Imagine. . . impacting the lives of others though greater ministry. And that ministry in extended first and foremost to our own family (Titus 2:4-5) What a blessing we are as wives and mothers and home managers when we are self-controlled! You and I can truly provide a haven of rest for our family when we provide an atmosphere (and provide a wife and mom) that contains no screaming. No fits. No anger. No lashing out. No blow-ups. No stomping, slamming or emoting. How blessed are those who have for a wife or a mother a woman who is serious about answering God's high calling to be stead, calm, rational, and reasonable. Who is cool, calm and collected. Who has hersel...

The Lord is working on me. . . no doubt about it. I've been faced with a lot of lessons lately: gossip, prayer, patience, compassion, forgiveness . . . the list goes on. It's nice to be more intune to the Lord but honestly it's easier to ignore Him. That doesn't mean I can have an easy and great life without him. It just means that it's not always easy to seek and follow him. It always pays off though. I have a better attitude and see things and people more through his eyes then my own judgemental and human eyes. The most recent lesson he is teaching me is about self dicsipline. This is something God wants me to practice as a part of my high calling in HIM. It affects so many areas of my life: exercise, eating, my reaction to others, prayer, time in the Word, money. It's over whelming to see all the areas in my life where I need to be more dicsiplined. But I know with his help this is possible. So, little by little I will work on these things and maybe in a year...

Today Liam and I went shopping today and to finish it off we went to Starbucks and Liam played with his new toy while I sat and worked on my Bible study homework. At one point Liam asked if i was reading my Bible and why. I told him how it was full of stories about Jesus and that reading it helps us to learn about God and we can grow in our friendship with him. He started asking questions about where Jesus and God were. I thought it was apropriate to talk about the trinity since he had heard that Jesus is in heaven but the "God is with us". He needed an explanation. So when I told him about the Holy Spirit living in us he got excited and said, "God lives in me?!" I told him that He 'can' and that he lives in mommy and daddy. I shared about how we need to believe that Jesus died for our sins and that the Holy Spirit will live in us after we believe and know we need him to save us. He was intrigued. Then the conversation took a funny turn when he asked if God ...

Life is moving quickly. It's Sunday afternoon and it feels as if yesterday was last Sunday. Tomorrow will be 3 weeks of having 3 boys at home. It's hard to believe it's already been a month since we first met Judah face to face. Time is flying by. It's good in a sense that the hard adustment stage is moving along and before we know it Judah will be turning 6. Life as a mother to 3 is getting a little easier as time goes on and I am not nearly as overwhelmed as I was those first two weeks. Things seemed to change over night (God helped me get clued into some things) and since then I am much more 'together'. I am still trying to keep up with the Beth Moore study but it's tough. I have a hard time getting to the homework. But I am going to keep pushing on because it's been so good for me and perfect timing in my life. I am thankful to the Lord for putting this in my path at such an appropriate time. He knows what I need and always offers it to me if I ask f...

A Beth Moore study started at our church while we were in Ethiopia. I am one week behind but am doing my best to stick with it. I really want to do it and the homework has been great for me and my current situation with motherhood. But finding a moment of quiet to get the work done is a whole other thing. I wasn't in the word like I should have been before Judah came home. But I was super excited to take the workbook with me on our trip and start getting into scriptures. Since I've been home it's been very frustrating because every time I sit to do it there's a fight to break up, a diaper to change, a mouth to feed or anything else you can think of. This morning I went to breakfast with a friend and had 2 hours to kill afterwards before a doctor's appointment. I went to a coffee shop and got some of the homework done and read some very encouraging scriptures. It was so good for me and got me refocussed on my current calling in life: motherhood! I was reminded that m...

Dave and I have read this book and now our small group is doing it together with the video series. The first chapter talks about prayer. It's challenged me this week to pray in a different way and with a new mind set. He talks about the God of the Universe sitting on the throne and us coming to him in prayer so casually. In our small group we split guys and girls for prayer time and had a good minute of silence to imagine GOD. It was tough for a lot of us. So my distracting thoughts running through my head. It took a lot to truly focus. I realized that although I feel like I pray a lot throughout my day that I never take the time to REALLY think about who I am talking to. If it was that tough to focus on Him before a prayer then I know I NEED to do it more. So, this is my new focus and goal is to take my praying more seriously and to spend more time really thinking about God and worshiping him in my prayer time.