. . . a glimpse into my heart.

  We all know that 99.9% of parents (yes, I just made up that statistic!) want to teach their children what is right and good. Most parents care about what their children take in and who they become. I have had to remind myself this many times when I think about my upbringing. I believe that what my parents, youth pastors and mentors taught me was truly what they believed was right and good. They didn't have any agenda to lead me astray. I have reread my stack of journals dating back to the early 90's and my jaw still drops when certain memories come back. I didn't have a bad childhood and I knew my parents loved me. However, the evangelical world I grew up in was pretty saturated with things that I am now realizing were either not true, not that big of a deal, or didn't matter at all. As I have grown up and am dismantling these ideas I am becoming increasingly happier with the person I am.  As I think back I can come up with a lot of things that I think VERY differentl...

  We watched Braveheart with our boys recently. It was the boys' first time seeing the movie. This has always been a favorite of Dave's. He sees the depth and the complexity of the story. I have always had a hard time with the abuse of women at the beginning of the movie, but I'll admit it is a great movie and definitely made a mark on me. Dave and I used to debate Wallace's feelings for the French Queen and whether or not he just used her or actually had feelings for her. I don't know where I stood on this debate years ago, but tonight that is not to piece of the story that stood out to me.  Wallace knew injustice was happening. His people were being abused and taken advantage of. The women were toys to be be played with by the english nobles. Wallace marries his love in private and they keep their marriage a secret from all. Eventually an English soldier tries to take advantage of Wallace's wife and after avoiding joining any military efforts and striving to b...

 I've been struggling. What is the worship that God wants from us? I believe a large percent of Christians and churches in America are confused about worship and don't even know it.   When I looked up the definition of the word "worship" I found the following:        noun      the feeling or expression of reverence and adoration for a deity. verb show reverence and adoration for (a deity); honor with religious rites. The synonyms listed are: Reverence, glorify, honor, adore, praise, exalt, idolize, magnify How often do we say the word "worship" and simply mean "music and singing"? When we focus on singing we get distracted. I have analyzed lyrics my whole life. As an adult I tend to think seriously about the words I sing to a God who deserves more than I could ever offer. There are so many songs that are so focused on me and what I get out of a relationship with God. There are even songs that we sing for each other and are sung TO each o...

My personal feelings and concerns about COVID-19 have gone through phases. I remember back in March feeling no personal fear of the virus, but a lot of concerns for others who were in higher risk categories. As time went on I became more concerned about my family and what might happen if one of us got sick. Our town was a “hot spot” for some time, things got better and now we are heading right back there. Schools are almost totally remote and even still people are getting COVID-19. It’s getting closer to home with colleagues getting sick, some hospitalized, family members who’ve lost loved ones. Some very healthy people have gotten very sick. What if it gets closer? I don’t feel I am struggling with an unrealistic fear. It’s not all consuming and I don’t think about it all the time by any means. But. . . It’s a small little voice.  So, what does this have to do with “God with us?” Last night we began our Advent readings as a family. The question was asked, “What do you hope for thi...

       If you didn't already know, I am a Democrat. But I haven't always been one. My journey has been very clear for me. I don't remember the exact moment I made this change, but the details around it are crystal clear. I didn't vote for Obama in 2008, but I did in 2012. I was raised in a Republican family. The ONLY issue that was worth caring about was Abortion. I saw Democrats as heartless, evil people who wanted babies to die. I was taught to believe that to be a Christian meant you were a Republican. I didn't follow politics very closely when I was young and knew VERY little about how government actually worked. Around 2000 I was attending Mesa State College and I was taking an English class. The professor was open about her support of the Green party. She had us write about one candidate that we thought was worth our vote. For the first time in my life I actually read up on the candidates and the issues. I don't even remember the man's name, but I cho...

"Quiet the soul and the soul will speak." - Ma Jaya Sati Bhagavati Dave bought me a journal that had this quote on the front. It also had a lotus flower on it which he knows I love. The Lotus flower has deep meaning in many beliefs and religions. For me, it was a symbol of how beauty can grow in the most terrible places. The Lotus grows out of murky water and its surroundings can't change its beauty. I got a lotus tattoo on my shoulder with the phrase "Lux in tenebris" which means "light in darkness" in latin. That's what the lotus is. . .that's what I long to be. I long to be light in dark places. . . to bring joy to the lives of others. The quote on my journal makes me ponder how well I am able to quiet my mind. It's hard to stop and just rest. My mind runs non-stop. I went to a meditation gathering last week at the Yakima Yoga Collective and I struggled. I wanted to stop worrying and enter into a place of mental peace. For me, this was...